So I'm partying in a movie theater on New Year's Eve. Why in a movie theater, you ask? It was the best resort. I would say 'last' but that just undermines my swag and besides that no place is bad if there are friends there. Can you say you've ever done such a thing? Jealouuusss. Anyhoo, I'm watching for sharp edges as I whip my hair back and forth and I realize something as actively channel Miss Smith: I am completely sober.
No, I'm no kind of addict unless you count a 15-year old obsession of the boy band 98 degrees and an ongoing ritual to watch a good episode of Intervention while I drink heavily with my best college friends. And just in case you're wondering, good episodes consist of someone freebasing meth bought with money from their immobile grandmother. I am also addicted to run-on sentences.
Anyway, I am completely sober because I am a good friend.I decided to DD with the hope that I get to tell everyone of their bad decisions the next morning and act high and mighty. You know you do it too, Judgey McJudgerfuck.
So as my friend, Erica* (the name has been changed because she is the shit) cradled her bottle of devil's piss, we had this out of body experience together. We had come to a consensus before that 2010 sucked and as I looked into her unfocused, glassy eyes that moment happened; We knew immediately that 2011 was going to be incredibly different. Better different, to be exact.
That next morning Erica texted me to tell me she didn't throw up. I texted back saying it was indeed noon and my mom was already finished with the traditional pork and sauerkraut AND it was actually delicious. With these two epic wins of the year, we coined the phrase TwoThousandAndWinnin'.
Don't act like you're not impressed. Two weeks fresh out of college and I was already putting my marketing degree to good use. TwoThousandAndWinnin' was solidified at least once a day. Sale at the liquor store: Winnin'. A good episode of Jersey Shore: Winnin'. A day where I didn't get stuck behind a school bus or horse-n-buggy on the way to my internship as I went down on a bagel: WINNIN'. And like all good Americans, we forgot about our little fad a few weeks later. Yes, it still would resurface once in a while but for the most part it's just a clever memory... until now.
Now I am all about a good celeb freak out. I like a good offensive rant with my cheerios in the morning. When I heard about this crown jewel though, I was livid. I felt like something had been stolen from me. I thought these things were always like time bombs but so you wouldn't be surprised when they actually did happen. This brought me a whole new element of surprise, though. This motherfucker STOLE a rant... and that is the worst kind of steal-sies.
Just to be clear though, I want to say something. Fuck off. Fuck off and I salute you, Charlie Sheen. Not only did you re-coin a coined phrase but you are also taking millions of Americans along on your tiger blood acid trip... and that's kind of dope so yeah, save me a seat on that bus. I have a feeling it's already on it's way out, though.
So sorry, Charlie. It's on to the next. And to further conclude this topic, I do believe that this year is still better than the last; Rebecca Black will be the next coked-up teen queen who will steal a car and flick off a nun... on Friday and when that happens I will have been right and you'll think to yourself one simple thing: WINNIN'!
You're welcome. Now forget about it.
